Work. Work. Work. Eventually, I’ll have something to show for it.
No, I’m not fooling myself. I’m just trying my hand at optimisim. It’s strange.

Seriously speaking, I do plan on going back to school after the first of the year. The current idea is to go for a CNC Machining certificate. I’d wanted to signup for the huge end-all/be-all, Machinist, know-everything degree they offer, but it takes 2 years to complete. Not a huge issue, but it’s best to start out small, I guess. At least this way, I can do a session, get the certificate, and hopefully, get a better job.

Why fabrication, you ask? Simple. (a) There’s always tons of machining jobs in the paper and for (b) better than I make now. Also, (c) I’ve always been interesting in getting involved with crafting metal, and no one is offering blacksmithing. And, to be perfectly honest, (d) my brother-in-law Bob is a hero of mine and he’s a machinist. Well, that’s putting it in simple terms, I guess, as Bob is much more than a machinist. Anyway, machining…Yeah.

If pressed, I’d say I want to go and take EACH AND EVERY COURSE offered. Okay, maybe not accounting, but I’m willing to give it a try after I complete a few languages, a crafting class, and learn to play the cello, but only in that order. Cooking and wielding appeal to me as well; maybe I should combine the two and create a Food Network show. I’m not nearly as annoying as most of their Tv Show hosts…

Alright, that’s a bit harsh, as the Food Network is one of the channels I watch most often. I do, however, only have a select few of hosts I enjoy on there. None of them can touch Anthony Bourdain though…

Speaking of food, we have decided to eliminate red meat from our diet. And no, I’m not missing it one bit. Heck, I was a vegetarian for a few years once and only returned to meat because I was living at home and it was much too difficult (at the time in my less mature mind) to try and go without. If I’d been able (ie: got off my lazy ass) to prepare my own meals, then maybe it’d been different. I dunno…

At the moment, we’re still eating Pork, Chicken, and Fish, but might eliminate those later down the line. There’s tons of veggie options out there. All you have to do is look. Kinda makes me want to start a garden; well, if I wasn’t too damn lazy to keep up with it, that is.

As for being a Vegan, I don’t think that’s in the cards for me. I don’t bismirch anyone who walks this path (I actually respect them a whole hell of a lot), but I don’t see an issue with dairy or eggs. Granted, I have problems with how a lot of these food products are brought to market (meaning animal abuses), but if done properly with respect to the animals, I guess it’s okay. Honestly, I haven’t thought about it that much. Maybe I should?

There’s a tiny part of me who’d love to go completely vegan, but the other part of me is extremely lazy. I seriously need to kick that guy’s ass…Yeah.

The other bits floating around is my overwhelming urge to ACTUALLY learn to play my electric bass. No more fiddling around; no more excuses. If I want to play music, then why shouldn’t I? No, I’ll probably never achieve anything super on an instrument, but it’s for the love of creating, right?

I love it hanging from my shoulder; my fingers on the strings, sliding down the fretboard. If only it was a little better quality. It’s not a bad instrument (a Kramer 250b), but I haven’t done any maintence on it. It’s been safe in the case when not in my hands, but there has to be little stuff to do. I dunno. I just know it makes a hell of a lot of buzzing/humming noise whenever I pluck a string. /shrug

Been looking at Fender Fretless Jazz basses. Not that I could afford it or ever get one, but I can still look. They’re nice. If I get a sugar daddy/momma, I’m gonna get them to buy me one.

And I’m writing again. It’s fantastic. I’ve missed having a creative outlet. Since I’m sleeping less (I try to allow myself 4-5 hrs/day), it gives me more time for other little stuff, or at least the feeling of not spending all my waking moments having to work at a shit job. It’s about scheduling, I guess. I just want to be able to both do the little things I love doing and spend time with my family.

Well, and, hopefully, get better at my writing. I know; it doesn’t show here, but this is my personal blog. It’s the literary equivalent of sweat pants…

And cooking. I’m trying to help in the kitchen more. I desperately want to learn to cook, but not in a open the box, fry stuff sort of way. I want to learn to season, improvise, and do all the interesting shit they do on television. Don’t worry though, I promise never use the term, EVO.

That’s enough for now, I guess. And look, I didn’t bitch about work one time. Yays!

-d

It’s much too hot.

I miss the snow and chilled wind. I miss being able to sit by a window enjoying a cool breeze.

If it wasn’t so humid, perhaps I’d be okay. It’s survivable, but miserable at the same time. Sadly, it’s cooler outside than in our home. Lovely 70’s trailer design – Well, that coupled with a landlord who only does those repairs absolutely necessary. At least the rent is cheap.

Heat, I can do, and I don’t mind. I work in heat. I can create and craft in heat. If only I didn’t have to deal with it in the confines of my home. Air conditioning? Yes, but it’s expensive. Sacrifices.

Thankfully, we own oscillating fans. No ceiling fans, but a little wind is better than none. Where are the breezes? Rain, thunderstorms, but no cool breezes. I miss cool breezes.

This is me attempting to put together an entry on very short notice and get over whatever writing funk I’ve been in for the last several weeks, if not months. It’s stupid, all in my head, and probably has something to do with the self confidence issues which seem to flare up whenever they feel like it. Sometimes I envy people who are sure of themselves. Those fearless few who dive headlong into whatever their heart desires. Maybe this is why I can’t call myself a writer, artist, or creator. Well, besides the not actually doing those things.

It’s not for lack of wanting, but I’m so full of excuses it’s pathetic. I should start an Excuses Blog or Twitter. A place to just write out whatever excuse I’m currently using for whatever thing I really want to do or try. It’s not about support either, so it’s all on me. I’m just a procrastinator, an excuse whore, coward, and a wannabe. And I can’t blame all of it on a lack of support from when I was younger; I moved passed all that a long time ago.

Maybe I need to stop wasting my time. Choose something – something I really want to accomplish or try – and devote myself to it until I either realize my goal or discover it’s impossible or not for me. I waste so much time and it’s sad. It’s another of my excuses: “I just don’t have time.” “Time issues, again.” Time may be somewhat of an issue simply because I work a lot, during the week, and most of the time I do try to work an extra day over the weekend. This still leaves me 2 days and whatever time I have I’m not sleeping.

That said, I don’t want to sacrifice time I spend with my family. That upsets me too when I think about it. I don’t spend nearly as much time as I should with them, hanging out, playing, or just doing stuff. It’s just another reason I hate having to sleep.

I don’t hate sleep. I love sleeping. A comfortable bed and fans blowing cool air across your prone form is a slice of heaven. The downside is all the wasted time. Yeah, I know it’s not actually wasted time, as the body does need sleep, but I still feel like I’m wasting time. I should be doing something rather than lying there. And what about all those people who can get by on two or three hours of sleep? Seriously, if there existed some SAFE pill which eliminated the need for sleep without reducing you to a zombie, I’d take that fucker in a heartbeat.

I missed out on a lot. People talk about their childhood, their experiences, and I sit quietly paying attention and growing further green as discretely as possible. I have so much want and so little chance to express. Again, an excuse. It’s all my fault, really. No one is holding a gun to my head saying, “Don’t you dare be interesting! You better not even fucking try to be artsy! Put that fucking thing down! You don’t know how to play it!” Excuses, excuses, excuses…

Did I mention I whine on occasion? Yeah, I know. This blog post has turned into a whining bitchfest, but there’s nothing wrong with venting. It’s nice to drain the poison from your brain occasionally, especially before it starts pouring out your ears. Some people have therapists; I have a blog.

And though I’m not one of those people who worry about their age – I’m very satisfied to be in my mid-thirties – I do feel odd or embarrassed about these imaginative, creative inklings of mine. Sure, there’s tons of artists, musicians, poets, and whatnot dancing about much older than myself, but it seems so much like a thing for the young. I’m so hopeless.

No, I’m not depressed. I do suffer from it, but I haven’t really felt blue in a while now. These feelings are exaggerated, probably, because of my issues at work. My job sucks, but how many others can say the same thing? At least I have employment. I’m just tired of busting my ass for a company and individuals who refuse to acknowledge me, appreciate me, or pay me respectfully. I’m tired of working in a dead-end job. I’m tired of doing work I don’t like doing. I want to work at something I love, or at least like, but again, how many others feel the same way? Maybe we should all start a forum – The largest forum in the history of forums. Well, the largest one without porn anyway.

Though I’ve spent the majority, if not all, of this post coloring the screen blue and gray with my downer-ness, it has helped; I feel a little better. It hasn’t changed anything, but I feel better.

I am blessed. I have a beautiful and wonderful wife and daughter, a small fantastic few friends, and the ability to realize my true situation. I’m always saying things will work eventually. I just need to start doing…Something.

Here’s to overcoming fear and finding both a voice and a path. Wish me luck.

Test, duh.

Trying to setup the Facebook blogging thing. Here’s hoping it works.

http://www.facebook.com/dan.mclaney

So, here again I sit.

It’s extremely late, or early depending on your perspective, and though I was exhausted earlier this evening, I cannot just go to bed. Sucks too, as I’d like to get up early enough to actually enjoy some of my day tomorrow. Begs to wonder, why the hell am I sitting here typing?

I’m an idiot, obviously.

Well, that’s not all of it, I guess. I want to write. Something. Anything. Using the word “want” doesn’t exactly do the desire justice. I’d love to spend hours writing, but my issues with self confidence and procrastination keep my fingers still.

It’s annoying, frustrating, and despressing. It’s like being a child and wanting only to go outside and play ball, but it’s raining and you find yourself trapped inside the house. Well, something akin to that anyway…

I suppose just letting my fingers wander is a good. No worries. No pressure. Just type and whatever happens will be. Feeling pressured is so stupid anyway. It’s not like I’m some famous author or have some deadline, but still the feelings are there.

Like most things, I guess, it’s all in my head. And yes, I know I’m whining again. At least it’s got me to type something, right?

Here’s hoping my next forray into blogging actually has something to say rather than the muddled B.S. floating around in my brain. Then again, that’s what blogging is all about, isn’t it?

If you’re wondering what’s happening here, I’ve decided to start over from scratch. I haven’t a clue how much I’ll be blogging, or when, or whatever, but it’s a fresh start all the way around.

So, for any who may stumble across this, enjoy…